Reaching breaking point

I did something very stupid today.

I cried.

It's ironic, that I cried today, of all days. I haven't worn mascara in several months, and today I put some on just for kicks. I just had to pick today to cry and smudge it all over my cheeks.

I eally try to keep everything personal separated from work, but this time I was crying about work, at work... I know that sounds weird. But I'm just so... unhappy with everything. I hate my job. I hate it.

I know I should just stop bitching: at least I have a job. But right now, that's not enough. I'm usually very conformist (is that even a word?) but right now I'm ambitious.

I had to work an extra hour (for free) so I wouldn't leave my co-worker alone to do the job of four people (we were understaffed today)... and he was the only one who witnessed me making a fool out of myself. I tried to explain as best as I could... but I couldn't tell him the flat-out truth.

I don't want this silly dead-end part-time job that's perfect for students or those with little professional preparation. I know, it's very conceited of me. But when I took a part-time job as a teacher in an elementary school... or as a clerk in an art supply store... I don't know, I felt that I had risen above somehow... I was now able to apply my education, not become a zombie and depend more on physical labor. I want a job where I can get home at a decent hour, and not have callouses sprout on my fingers from the little brooms we break our backs with while we sweep every fucking speck off the damn carpeting...

I'm too tired of being angry to finish this tonight. Maybe some other time. I'm pathetic, wallowing in self-pity and listening to Fuel's "Bad Day" on repeat. XD Ah someone do me a favor and set me on fire!

5:23 in the morning and I can't sleep

It's been a long time since I had so much trouble sleeping. It's 5:23 in the morning and I can't sleep. I don't know if it's because there are still traces of the day's consumption of caffeine in my system, or it's just the mess of thoughts that's keeping me up. Usually I wake up Esteban when this happens, because that sometimes helps.

This time I'm just going to have to deal with the insomnia. He needs to rest, and it wouldn't be fair to him to have to be available to listen to me whine 24/7 when I'm such a terrible listener.

At around 5 A.M. I remembered a receipt I forgot to return to a cashier at the arcade... I'll return it tomorrow... hope it didn't unbalance the register... =_=

By the time I started thinking about my father I decided it was time to get out of bed, sit at the computer, and blog it out.

I keep hearing my uncle's voice in my head: "Antes ustedes eran sus hijas queridas, ahora es como si no existieran." Before, you were his beloved daughters, now it's as if you don't exist.

They say you can divorce your spouse, but your children will always be your children. That all sounds like optimistic bull right now. If my father could stop loving my mother, then he can definitely stop loving us. He can definitely stop loving me.

I'm very apathetic about the entire situation. This helps avoid hostility between my father and me. He's constantly gushing about how I'm the only one who doesn't bash him, how proud he is of me, how much he loves me. But behind my back, he tries to sell my car because he's "flat broke"... and yet he somehow finds the money to pay for TWO cars of his own (one which is a MERCEDES... I kid you not).

I f*cking hate him so much for ruining everything.

It's almost six in the morning. Maybe I'll play Super Princess Peach on the DS 'til sleep comes...