Reaching breaking point
I did something very stupid today.
I cried.
It's ironic, that I cried today, of all days. I haven't worn mascara in several months, and today I put some on just for kicks. I just had to pick today to cry and smudge it all over my cheeks.
I eally try to keep everything personal separated from work, but this time I was crying about work, at work... I know that sounds weird. But I'm just so... unhappy with everything. I hate my job. I hate it.
I know I should just stop bitching: at least I have a job. But right now, that's not enough. I'm usually very conformist (is that even a word?) but right now I'm ambitious.
I had to work an extra hour (for free) so I wouldn't leave my co-worker alone to do the job of four people (we were understaffed today)... and he was the only one who witnessed me making a fool out of myself. I tried to explain as best as I could... but I couldn't tell him the flat-out truth.
I don't want this silly dead-end part-time job that's perfect for students or those with little professional preparation. I know, it's very conceited of me. But when I took a part-time job as a teacher in an elementary school... or as a clerk in an art supply store... I don't know, I felt that I had risen above somehow... I was now able to apply my education, not become a zombie and depend more on physical labor. I want a job where I can get home at a decent hour, and not have callouses sprout on my fingers from the little brooms we break our backs with while we sweep every fucking speck off the damn carpeting...
I'm too tired of being angry to finish this tonight. Maybe some other time. I'm pathetic, wallowing in self-pity and listening to Fuel's "Bad Day" on repeat. XD Ah someone do me a favor and set me on fire!
I cried.
It's ironic, that I cried today, of all days. I haven't worn mascara in several months, and today I put some on just for kicks. I just had to pick today to cry and smudge it all over my cheeks.
I eally try to keep everything personal separated from work, but this time I was crying about work, at work... I know that sounds weird. But I'm just so... unhappy with everything. I hate my job. I hate it.
I know I should just stop bitching: at least I have a job. But right now, that's not enough. I'm usually very conformist (is that even a word?) but right now I'm ambitious.
I had to work an extra hour (for free) so I wouldn't leave my co-worker alone to do the job of four people (we were understaffed today)... and he was the only one who witnessed me making a fool out of myself. I tried to explain as best as I could... but I couldn't tell him the flat-out truth.
I don't want this silly dead-end part-time job that's perfect for students or those with little professional preparation. I know, it's very conceited of me. But when I took a part-time job as a teacher in an elementary school... or as a clerk in an art supply store... I don't know, I felt that I had risen above somehow... I was now able to apply my education, not become a zombie and depend more on physical labor. I want a job where I can get home at a decent hour, and not have callouses sprout on my fingers from the little brooms we break our backs with while we sweep every fucking speck off the damn carpeting...
I'm too tired of being angry to finish this tonight. Maybe some other time. I'm pathetic, wallowing in self-pity and listening to Fuel's "Bad Day" on repeat. XD Ah someone do me a favor and set me on fire!
posted by Kaede at 12:44 AM
3 Comments:
ok, first of all
-you have every right to bitch
-I mean,
-sweeping a carpet with a broom
-(seriously) I tried it once and that broomstick ended in the garbage
-[meaning: you're obviously breaking your back there, it's not like you're paid to take in the air conditioning and sights, so you have every right to bitch]
second
-you ever drink a frapp. after a very loooong day?
-¿No te sabe mejor que uno despues de un día lleno de ocio? (or however it's spelled)
-So yeah
-maybe right now it sucks
-But the future will be that much sweeter
-just hold on
-you'll see
-Something better will come along
-it always does for the good guys
-till then,
-"No hay mal que dure 100 años..."
Lotsa L,
The Gil
You have every right to cry... Better days will come. I know how you feel. But don't worry, "No hay mal que dure 100 años, ni cuerpo que lo resista."
I know you deserve better than that. And you will have something better. You just wait (I know it doesn't sound easy, but, at the end, it'll be worth it). Maybe with this experience you'll learn to apreciate a "real" job once you have it. The moment will come and you'll know it. But until then, remember that you are not alone.
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